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05-22-2000 Back to all Archives Back to 2000: April - June Archives Back to Current Entry list |
I once told you that the thought of marriage scares me - that it is so final, so permanent. I have pondered marriage before, but there was always this little nagging doubt in the back of my head that would eventually grow strong enough so that I had to push away. Eventually I just assumed that it wasn't for me. I was meant to be single. You took me by surprise when you asked, but for the first time, I didn't have a single doubt. I am looking forward to growing old with you. I get to spend the rest of my life with you. I am still trying to figure out how I got so lucky. We've known each other for two years, and we've become such good friends in the last six months. I once told Ivymoon that I knew I could go for you in a big way, but I also knew that nothing could ever happen. She rolled her eyes at me and told me I'd never know until I tried. I wasn't brave enough to try. I wasn't prepared to lose such a good friend if it didn't work out. Have I told you lately how glad I am that you were braver than I? I have never believed in the necessity of reading minds just because two people are in love. I understood that there would be disagreements and misunderstandings and distinctly different opinions on things. I was not prepared for someone who blurts out the exact same thing I am saying all the time, someone who has the same likes and dislikes and opinions as me. We can't even argue over politics. There's got to be something wrong with that, right? And I think today the brain cell is mine. You can have it tomorrow, but only because you'll probably read my mind and cheat at Rock-Paper-Scissors again. I never believed in true love. No, I should rephrase that. I didn't believe in it for me. I know people who are truly in love. My own parents, my two sisters. They all seem to have found it. I wasn't looking. I figured it if happened, it happened, but I wasn't expecting it. I had my life planned out. I knew what I wanted. The prospect of being single was perfectly fine with me. I bought land to build a house. I mapped out everything. I knew what was and wasn't going to happen. I was happy. I had my friends and a job I love and this house that is my dream house and my cats and a busy life. But you had to go and mess up all my plans. You took me in your arms and made me miss you whenever we are apart. You smiled at me and took my breath away. I look at you and realize that the two of us would probably have an amazingly wonderful time watching paint dry because we always manage to have such a wonderful time together. You touched me and I was torn because here I was starting to build a house and I knew that all I wanted was for you to be in that house with me. I was perfectly happy. I didn't need anything else. I didn't want anything else. Then you kissed me. And I knew at that moment that life was never going to be the same again. |