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September 19, 2001: Circling

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The dreams come sporatically, and it wasn't until recently that I realized quite how often they were coming. I am in the passenger seat of a car. I do not know who is driving - what is important is that I have no control over this car. We are speeding toward an entire group of cars ahead of us who all have suddenly slammed on our brakes, and yet we are not stopping. Lately this dream wakes me up over and over at night, often enough to make me conscious of having it, time and time again.

It is not a nightmare - or rather, I do not have that shaky feeling of a narrow escape that often accompanies waking from a nightmare. But I can close my eyes even now and relive the tension I feel when I am in the seat of that car. I can see the area very clearly, and the cars in front of me, and my foot is slamming down on empty air in front of me in the futile hope that somehow I will be able to stop the car through sheer force of will.

********

The interview went well. I may be being falsely optimistic, but I don't know when I've been less nervous at an interview before. The sample work I had to do as we sat there was easy and quick. This is work I would love to do. This is a position where, finally, I'd no longer have that continual feeling that I'm always one step behind everyone else.

I must be patient. What other choice do I have?

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