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February 18, 2002: Patchwork

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I've been recovering slowly from this bout of winter cold, impatient for it to be finally over since the waves of apathy have continued to wash over me at least once a day since it began. At least I knew enough to recognize what they were and I could (mostly) ignore them. I was doing fairly well all week, looking forward to the weekend. I had plans for this weekend. My dad and I were going to finish those bookshelves. I was going to start on the curtains for the computer room. I was going to organize the financial stuff into the new ledger system I've been envisioning, and clean the bathrooms. I was going to be productive.

And then my mom called Friday night, her voice strained, telling me of a situation with my dad that I wish didn't exist, and I felt that apathy coming back and this time I didn't even try to pretend that it wasn't there. They are having problems. Big problems. And even though I know that there is nothing I can do or say to help, still I feel powerless, as if there should be something I could do to make this all better.

I didn't get much of anything done this weekend. It's probably for the best that Richard was not here. I curled up in a chair and read books. I ate the rest of the Valentine's Day cookies (and somehow managed to still stay in my Points. This actually surprises me). I covered myself with blankets and buried my head in the pillows and slept. I was supposed to go have dinner with my older sister last night but she knew something was going on, and I knew that in my emotional state, all she would have to do is ask and I'd spill what I wasn't supposed to tell.

I woke up this morning to the sight of a silly Cthululu next to my computer, and my husband curled up underneath blankets and cats on the bed, finally home from two days of RPG-convention-fun. This winter cold is finally fading away and for the first time in days I feel alive, as if I could do something constructive again. My parents are both strong and I know they will get through this, just as they've weathered so much else over the years. And I have to accept that no matter how badly I may wish to fix things - for them and for the rest of my friends who are hurting right now - I cannot. I can only fix myself.

It's a beautiful day today. If I focus on that, it will be enough.

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