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May 14, 2001: Tenuous

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I worry too much or not enough - it's always one extreme or the other, but lately it's too much. 'Nine weekends left to the wedding!' my mom's latest email read, and there is this voice when I see things like this that sits inside my head and tells me that something will happen between now and then - something *has* to happen because it can't possibly keep being this nice, this beautiful; something must go wrong and soon. I am far too lucky for one woman - I know this, really I do. I remind myself often of this when the worry strikes, but it only adds to it because luck is never one-sided.

I don't know why I'm so hard on myself. Why can't I just accept what I have without constantly expecting the worst to happen to take it all away from me? What will it take for the practical side of my brain to convince the rest of my head that it's all right for things to be this good.

I know that part of it is because I'm sitting on the brink of so much. My dreams are coming true all around me - maybe not all of them, but the only ones that ever mattered. My beautiful house is finally done and we are living in it. And somewhere in Ireland is this amazing man who somehow loves me just as much as I love him; who sees beauty in me that I cannot be entirely convinced is there; who treats me better than sometimes I probably deserve to be treated...and here I go again, my worrywart brain refusing to accept that this can all be truly real.

It is going to be fine, and I have every right to be this happy. I can not fret about the unfairness of it all - that I have all that I want and so many do not. I can only embrace and be happy and try not to question.

It's just that sometimes it's hard to remind myself of that.

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