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July 11, 2001: Because I needed more stress

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My manager and I have been exchanging email and voicemail the past few days. There's a position she wants to submit me for, but I'd have to travel. She's not surprised by my answer that I really want to escape consulting. We discuss various alternatives. She is willing to be helpful but makes it clear that I need to make a decision by the time I return from my vacation. She cannot leave me on the bench forever. Things are coming to a head, though, and I reluctantly email her to ask to extend my vacation a few more weeks. She knows why I'm asking, but doesn't comment on it.

In the past few days, however, she's been quite busy going above and beyond. She's called a number of people to ask about available positions. She's doing her absolute best to help me - far more than I expected. She directs me to talk to a woman in Denver whose enthusiasm infects me. If it were up to this woman, I'd be taken in an instant and converted to this position - selling consulting services to customers. I consider the information and forward my resume, but wonder if this really is the wisest decision - I've no wish to go into sales. My heart would not be in it. Could I do it? Yes - I've always been good at selling when I put my mind to it. And despite all my issues with the way the Big Fish treats us as consultants, everything I've seen indicates that the rest of the departments are much better. Staying with the Big Fish means not having to switch insurance carriers, 401k paperwork, phone numbers and emails and everything else involved in changing jobs. All those lovely stock options would have a chance to vest.

But I accept that this may not be a possibility. Most of the jobs available right now at Big Fish are in the corporate office, and I cannot even imagine doing that commute five days a week. So...I send out resumes, and call people on the phone, and smile and nod and act dutifully charming, and all the while the days tick by. Using up all my vacation is painful - we'd planned on three weeks next spring for our honeymoon and if I 'm still with the Big Fish after this, I may no longer have enough. But I'm not sure what other choice I have.

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